There is a rule in the universe: any place you find a large group of people, you will find a significant number of them hopelessly, naively optimistic, and willfully will let hope triumph over experience. And like flies to rotten meat, where these people gather, they come.

 You know the type: owners of cheap eateries serving questionable food, used car lots with barely functional vehicles, souvenir shops peddling overpriced knockoffs of local art, get-rich-quick schemers, and pawnshops you swear to sell nothing but stolen or broken goods. They all look the same as if a factory presses slime into round-faced, heavy-set men who are either bald or wear obvious toupees, dress in plaid or checkered suits, all sporting big, almost rictus grins. Their personalities are greasy, much like fast food—you feel on top of the world while indulging, but afterward, you want to wash your hands, and your face, and your  brain. That have names like Crazy Eddie, Honest John, and Cut Me Own Throat Dibbler. These are the slimeball enterprise owners: not quite conmen, not quite businessmen, but something in between.

Barnabas Quimby

Sliberberg’s resident slimy businessman is Barnabas Quimby. Barnabas is almost a caricature of his kind: round head with a friendly face, heavy-set body, an obvious toupee, and clothes so loud they make your eyes water if you stare too long. His over-the-top personality makes you want a bath after five minutes of interaction, yet somehow, he convinces you to buy his wares. Barnabas wanders the lower ward with a cart of questionable magic items, usually potions, for sale. In his sales pitch, he deliberately avoids explaining what his items do, leaving customers to discover their true nature the hard way.

Barnabas Quimby’s Stockroom

Bottled Darkness (Uncommon)

A bottle of pitch-black liquid. Drinking it causes blindness for 1 hour. If broken, it creates an 8-foot sphere of magical darkness (as per the darkness spell).

Bottle of Nothing (Rare)

Each of these dropper bottles contains highly concentrated nothingness. When a drop of the liquid is poured onto a surface, a perfectly circular hole the size of a small drop of water appears, piercing through the material entirely. Each bottle contains enough nothingness to create a 3-foot-wide hole.

Bottled Rocks (Uncommon)

A heavy, ceramic bottle that feels hot to the touch. Pouring out its contents releases 1 pint of lava, dealing 1d4 fire damage on contact. The lava cools into rock within 2 hours.

Bottled Screams (Rare)

A violently shifting liquid. Drinking it fills the imbiber’s ears with deafening screams for 5 minutes. Breaking the bottle creates a 10-foot radius of screams, disrupting concentration.

Bottled Something (Uncommon)

An apparently empty bottle that rattles when shaken. Pouring it out produces a random piece of equipment worth no more than 10 gp. There is a 1/20 chance of yielding a 25 gp gemstone.

Bottled Spirits (Rare)

The smoky white liquid burns with a cool fire when drunk, accompanied by faint moaning. If the bottle is shattered, its contents manifest as a hostile specter.

Cough Drops (Common)

These sugar-like pellets induce intense coughing for 1d12 minutes unless the user drinks something.

Everything (Very Rare)

A fizzy, clear drink that tastes like ginger ale. For 8 seconds after consumption, the drinker knows everything. They can answer any question with absolute truth. Afterward, the strain of omniscience forces a DC 15 Wisdom saving throw. On a success, the drinker falls unconscious. On a failure, they also suffer brain damage, reducing their Intelligence by 1.

Everything Remover (Rare)

A swirling, multicolored liquid with six drops per bottle. Each drop has a 1-in-8 chance of vaporizing any object it touches.

Exotic Juice (Common)

This colorful, fruity drink grants the imbiber a foreign accent for 1d4 hours.

Fine Whine (Common)

This sour grape-flavored potion induces irritation and constant complaining for 1d4 hours. During this time, all Charisma checks are made with disadvantage.

Ignorance (Common)

A black, sticky liquid that reduces the drinker’s Intelligence to 7 for 1d4 hours.

Innocence (Common)

A creamy white liquid tasting like milk. Drinking it reduces the imbiber’s Wisdom to 6 for 1d4 hours.

Happy Pills (Common)

A bag of 1d8 technicolored pills. Each pill induces an upbeat, invincible mood for 1d4 hours.

Instant Attraction (Uncommon)

This potion, half red and half blue, tastes faintly of iron. When consumed, the drinker emanates a strong magnetic field. Metal objects within a 10-foot radius are irresistibly drawn to them. Objects weighing over 400 pounds instead pull the imbiber toward them. Removing stuck objects requires a DC 12 Strength check. The effect lasts 1 hour.

Instant Immobility (Uncommon)

This electric yellow potion paralyzes the drinker for 10 minutes.

Jest Soda (Common)

This bubbly, cola-flavored drink places the drinker under the effect of the Hideous Laughter spell for 1d6 minutes.

Numb Drops (Common)

Grey gelatin chunks covered in sugar that numb the sense of touch and pain for 1 hour.

Plant Food Cookies (Common)

Green cookies designed exclusively for plants. Completely inedible for humans.

Safety Tablets (Uncommon)

Small balsa wood pieces inscribed with the word “safety.” Snapping one in half envelops the user in an inflatable suit, rendering them immune to bludgeoning, slashing, and piercing damage for 10 minutes but renders them unable to take actions.

Somewhere (Rare)

A clear liquid showing ever-changing scenes of distant places. Drinking it teleports the imbiber to a random location in the world.

Sparking Water (Uncommon)

This sparkling liquid deals 1d4 lightning damage to the imbiber and causes harmless electric sparks to emit from their body. Poured on the ground, it forms a 3-foot puddle that delivers 1d4 lightning damage to the next person who steps in it.

Truth (Uncommon)

A slimy liquid that leaves a strange residue on the tongue. For 1d4 hours, the drinker perceives the unvarnished, often harsh truths of the world. Signs, books, and people reveal unpleasant realities. A DC 15 Wisdom saving throw is required to avoid depression. Rarely, the drinker may learn something useful.